Getting my ass kicked at the state tourney

Greetings from Key Largo, where the weather is hot, the Marlins are not and it seems a severe thunderstorm is just 2 hours away. We've been snorkeling, swimming and seeing alligators being fed. Fun time for the whole family.

Just wanted to recap what happened last week at the endurance test from hell at the Ohio Am in a diary format.

Tue: tee time shceduled for 2:30. Kermit and I wake up (separately, you perverts) to pouring rain. It doesn't stop for 4 hours - and is heading straight north to Springfield. My brother in law, Jeff, is caddieing for me.

We call the course: the course stopped play around 11.

2:30: arrive at the course; the tee times are backed up 2 hours. So I have a 4:30 tee time.
4:30: tee off under sunny skies. I par #10, the first hole of the day.
4:45: Clouds build: I hit a good drive off 11, end up parring as well.
5:00: we hear thunder in the distance; I hit the fairway on 12.
5:10: play is suspended.
After 90 minutes of euchre we are told we will begin again at 7:30. By the way, it seems everyone has ther own version of Euchre rules. Some people have never heard of Ace-No Face? Who doesn't play Stick the Dealer?

7:30: tee off again; eventually I start losing my swing.....finish bogey,bogey, bogey on 15,16, 17.

Get to the 18th tee aroud 9:05; I have no swing now. I`m up, and hit a 210 yard hook into the eep rough. 10 seonds later, the horn goes off. Dammit!

I`m plus^4 thru 8; Kermit made one par and is plus~5 thru 6. Nice job by us. We pile in the car; take off around 9:30, and get home around 11:15 after dropping the caddies off.

I set my alarm for 5 and fall asleep around 11:45; I wake up wide awake at 3;45. Go downstairs and turn on the only channel that I know will entertain me at that hour- MTV!

Dammit- no NEXT! It`s that damn Exposed show...the worst show ever invented on TV.

Get Kermit`s ass out of bed around 5:15, and leave around 5:30. Get to the course, hit balls, and am ready to go at 7:30.

Where we left off, my ball was in a bad lie in the rough abour 185 away to an uphill green. Somehow, I am convinced I can get a 5-wood on the club and run it up there.

At 7:31, I am proved wrong, as the ball is advanced about 75 yards. I make double.

The nxt 9 holes are a blur, as I miss a 3 footer, 3 putt from 10 feet for triple, top a 3 wood and make double - and finish even for the last 4 holes to shoot an 83. Nice.

And, of course, I have to do it again in an hour.

11::00 am, we go out for round 2. Front nine was not too bad - I shot 40 which included a miss 4 footer and a pulled hybrid that lead to a double. Could have easily ben a 37 or 38.

But that is it. My body - now on less than 4 hours of sleep - shuts down. I can`t hit anything straight, as I alternate between duck hook and blocks. A good combo, no? I make par on 11, and then go 9 over on the other 8 holes. The highlight was number 12, where I have a 4 foot straight downhill putt for par that may break some; I decide to hit it firm on the lip.

It did not break, and I was left with a 30 footer from the fringe for bogey.

40-44-84 to end the day. Lessons:

1- MTV is required to have Next on from 1 am - 6 am every day.

2- I should not be tired after that ordeal. I need to get in shape....period. No more excuses. It will not only help my golf swing, but also increase my stamina in Vegas in March.

3- I have no `tired swing` anymore. It used to be that if I got tired, I could just `bunt` a driver with a little fade and put it out there 230 yards away. Not great, but it worked when I was tired or under a little pressure. Not anymore - thired swings are all duck hooks now.

4- I need to solicit the board for ideas on how to fall asleep - and stay asleep - when you really need to sleep. Waking up at 3;45 and no being able to fall back asleep is a terrible feeling. Any suggestions? NyQuil? Benadryl?