In preparation for the Vegas trip, I'll post my gambling beliefs - those rock solid credos that guide behavior at the casino.
Here goes.
I believe that...
1) Any male who stays on 16 against a 10 is a communist or a Howard Dean supporter
2) Any male who waffles on that hand (hits once, stays the next time) should be immediately castrated.
3) You should always hit 12 vs a 2.
4) The hardest hand is the high soft hand (A-7, A-8). All three options (hit, double, stand) are valid in some cases. Like A-8 vs a 7. What do you do? A-8 vs 10? A-7 vs 7?
5) Never take insurance unless you are playing with Kermit. If Kermit takes insurance, you do too. If he doesn't, you don't. He is uncanny at this.
6) You should always have the right to receive your double down card down.
7) if you are hitting, you should ask for 2 less than 21. For instance, you have 14; ask for a 5. The dealer will give you a 6 or a 7.
8) Always make fun of other's play, but only if you don't know them. Don't make fun of play of people you don't know well - like your friend's wife who loves Kerry/
9) The best time to play craps is 9 am.
10) It is a good sign to open up an empty craps table.
11) The horn bet should only be used when you are drunk or winning; if you see me do this, let's hope it is the latter.
12) It is ethically acceptable to root for a shooter to 7 out - even if you are betting with the shooter - if he is one of those assholes that takes 30 seconds to line up the dice before each roll. I have struggled with this one immensely before coming to this conclusion.
13) Roulette is a glorified form of Keno. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
14) If you come to Vegas during tournament weekend, bet more than $5.50 a game on the tourney. (True story - I met someone who did this).
15) Anyone who orders a Tom Collins as a drink is a genius. Follow him.
4 comments:
Continued:
16) When searching for a craps table and you can't open one up (I agree with Eric on this), then go to the one with the most hot chicks. For some reason hot chicks are the best rollers.
17) Best time to play poker is 3:00am-6:00am. If you are sober, then you will clean up on the drunken leftovers from the night before.
18)Never tip a BJ when you decide to place a big wager. This never works. You will always lose.
19) Each morning (7am-10am during non poker days) should start off with a quick visit to the sportsbook, followed by morning coffee and breakfast at the Pai Gow table, then some screwdrivers while opening up a new craps table, finished off by a solid heavy drinking hour at the BJ table.
20)It is ethically acceptable to kick someone in the balls who wagers on the don't pass line. Especially if this guy is your brother.
21)There is nothing wrong with playing some roulette, or as the real gamblers call it, the wheel.
22)All dealers are scum. Don't be fulled by their used car salesman like humor.
23) It is acceptable to body block some male loser from sneaking into a hot table. If the table goes cold, everyone who was at the table while it was hot is allowed one free slap to the face.
24)And finally, the more noise you make the better. I hate quiet casinos. And I hate people who are winning massive amounts of money who can't even look up to give a high 5 or yell.
25)In Karma. Be gracious to people when they are losing and happy when they are winning. I hate it when people get all pissy when someone is winning and everyone else is losing.
26) people who hover a table should be taken out back and shot. Do they not realize that they are bringing bad luck to the table?
27)in the gooch. be very careful
Re Derek:
I love the routine in #19. If it also includes the $1 Sausage Mc Muffins with Egg at the Monte Carlo, all the better.
Laura:
Does #1 really work? All the players I have played with are the serious types that wouldn't look up if Jennifer Garner was naked at the table.
I have absolutely no problem with #2. This shows that you are a student of the game.
I like #4. I can see Kermit doing this in Vegas.
I believe...
1) ...I have a positive expectation if I sit at the poker table. So why am I going to play craps and BJ?
2) ...I don't tip a dealer unless they've done something for me, and merely turning over good cards at the BJ table doesn't count.
3) ...I'll do something that will make Eric mumble and grumble. The question is, did I do it on purpose?
4) ...a quite craps table is a losing craps table.
5) ...you MUST scream $80,000 after hitting anything on the horn. The size of the bet does not matter.
6) ...if Eric bets the don'ts I'll hold him down while his brother, well you already know.
7) ...I'm worried about Warren and Freddie. Who is gonna teach him how to play craps correctly?
8) ...I've got no clue who Eric was talking about earlier as my wife does not Love Kerry. She just thinks Bush is like a rock, only dumber.
9) ...I love it when someone goes against the book at the BJ table and drives people away. Those folks are WAY too serious. (hint, it doesn't change your expectation)
10) ..if it takes some MORON 30 seconds to throw the dice, you must root against him, then work to get him barred from the casino.
I wonder what Eric would do if kermit, don, and myself all split tens at the same time?
Post a Comment