Notes from the Far East

Well, back from China now for seven days. I see there's hasn't been much happening on the blog since I left.

(Actually, nothing from anyone else since Apr 4. In fact, there are odds posted at MGM Mirage:

Which will happen first?

The oil leak in the underground Gulf is plugged -130
Someone besides Eric posts on F&J +110
-ed )

But I digress. As some of you know, we have a reprieve - our paperwork is being delayed, so we aren't leaving for China until mid-July. This means we have soem time to get everything done around here throughout the month of June - like stocking up on Cascade, Hefty trash bags, chocolate syrup, and Off.

Random notes about the trip:

- I can't reliably access blogspot.com, nor twitter. I did not have the audacity to try to access the on-line gambling site on my P&G work computer. Someone said (another P&G ex-pat) that I need to buy my own VPN, based in Hong Kong. I'll look into that - but any thoughts from the gallery out there?

- Walking off the plane, we were hit with this wall of humidity - at 6 in the morning. It was 85 degrees and at least 90% humidity. It felt like one of those August mornings in Baltimore where it feels that it will rain any moment. It was like that all week.

We remarked to a local: "gees, the heat here is bad, isn't it?"
"Heat? Oh no. It will get 10 degrees warmer (that's 10 degrees warmer in Celsius!!!) in July and August!"
Oh great.

We did not see the sun all week; apparently, we will see the sun/blue skies about 10 days on average.

- The pollution, however, was suprprisingly good. Some ex-pats said it got a whole lot better since the Olympics; 3 years ago, it was suffocating. I didn't notice it at all over a week.

- House hunting was (and is) difficult. We need a 4 bedroom apartment, because of the kids and the need for us to have some sort of office (as we will be taking many late night calls for fantasy football/work). However, there just are not many of those in Guangzhou. It's a classic case of supply and demand. There's no supply - so prices are exponentially higher when moving from a 3 bedroom to a 4 bedroom place.

- Food? Food was good. Many of our Chinese hosts ordered for us - and it was great. Problem is - we will never be able to order that food again, since we don't know what the dish is called. This is espeically a problem at the dim sum restaurants.

- In order to get a work permit for China, we have to go through a state-sponsored medical examination. Let's just say that the exam - which took 3 hours - will haunt me for a long time. You were shuffled from room to room in a 1950s style block building; in each room you were greeted by someone with the personality of Krauss from "Benson".

I had an ultrasound done on me.

- The Asian games are coming! Guangzhou is hosting the 2010 Asian Games in November. This is the 16th playing of the games. This is a huge deal, apparently - and therefore there is an enormous amount of construction going on to get ready.
And - unfortunately - it's all on tight timing. Construction is going on 24/7 - so there is lots of noises that you can hear in the hotel room at 3 am due to the construction all around.

- We think we have found a place to live (we are in the process of negotiating right now); there is a Starbucks, Subway, and KFC within walking distance; there is also a neighborhood corner store very close that sells everything Western - for a price. Pop Tarts? 35 Yuan a box - about $6. Cereal? 50 yuan - $8. Chocolate Syrup? 40 yuan.

And many fast food restaurants - including McDonalds & KFC - deliver. This could be trouble.

- In general, we did not do anything touristy in Guangzhou. We stayed near the neighborhood of our hotel, the school (where our apartments are going to be) and work. We did not explore any of the markets or sightsee.

- Sports? Well, we got ESPN International....where the headline story for two days was "Is Fabregas going to Real Madrid? Will he leave Arsenal??"
Oh God no. Not Soccer.

- We then went to Hong Kong for a day. That city is indescribable. Within 10 miles on the island, you get a combination of:
- New York, with the bright city lights;
- San Francisco, with the famous "peak" in the middle of the island, a 600 foot "mountain" that was fogged in continually as we drove up it;
- San Diego, with the beaches on the eastern side of the island (reminded me of La Jolla),
- Paris, as there are many streets that are barely two-lane streets but are teeming with restaurants/shops/cafes on both sides of the street.

Just a wild juxtaposition of cultures. And - of course - it's own money/currency.

Lot of things still to do to get ready for the move - like figure out how Slingbox works.

Oh! I met my hero. We had dinner at the house of some P&G ex-pats...we met 4 families, one of them is moving back to Cincinnati this summer. I asked the male in the family on what P&G category he is in.

The group laughed.

What is the joke I am missing?

He is a stay-at-home dad. In China. With two "ayis" (or nannys) that cook, clean, and take care of the kids. Now that's the life.

Memorial Day Notes

So Freddie's school put on a performance by the 3rd graders on Friday in honor of Memorial day. The 3rd graders sang patriotic songs, recited poems, and honored veterans.

Quick quiz: Which one of these songs was not played in the school program:

a) Grand Old Flag
b) Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy
c) In the Navy
d) God Bless America

Answer: e) All of them were part of the performance!

I would really have liked to known what went through several of the veteran's heads - many of them 80 years old or so - when the class did "In The Navy" and were dancing to it. "Is this what we fought for? We fought so that American kids can dance to The Village People to honor us?"

And we are off!

Off for house hunting tonight! We'll see how much blogging I can do starting on Sunday!

The end of the NBA in Cleveland?

Well, I think I have to post something about the game 5 debacle last night. In today's sports world with the media, it's easy to overstate events. (An 80-79 OT college basketball game is instantly declared the "Game of the decade!")

But it's easy to see how the game 5 disaster can lead to the end of the NBA in Cleveland....and a vastly different landscape for Cleveland sports.

Reality hit hard last night that Game 5 could - and probably will be - LeBron's last game in Cleveland. If they don't survive against Boston, this is now two seasons where they didn't even reach the conference finals. THey didn't even make the final 4!!!!

Can you imagine if they lost in a blowout in game 6? Why would LeBron stay? Can anyone give me one good reason why he would stick around? Has his actions so far indicated that he would?

It has been written in an article that Cleveland fans "expect the worst, and then worry if they are being too optimistic". That has a lot of truth to it. What are the next dominoes to fall if/when LeBron leaves this summer?

First, let's fill people in on the Cleveland sports pecking order. The Browns will always be #1. The Indians are a clear #2. The Cavs are #3 - and in many cases, are #4 behind the Buckeyes. No one will care about this team. I will be done with the NBA for a long time - not that I was the biggest fan - but I will actively diengage.

Part of me - just part - is secretly happy the Cavs are folding. As you know, the city is starving for a title. I want to see a championship sometime in my life. If I am going to dream, why not shoot for the moon? In order, if I had a choice, my rank of the "worth" of championships is:
1. Browns
2. Indians
3. Cavs

The Browns and the Tribe are a close 1-2; Steve would switch the 2; I'm not sure how Don would rate them. But I am positive that the joy we would have in a Cavs title would be dwarfed by a Browns Super Bowl. So if I'm only going to get one title in my life, why not want it to be the greatest title ever?

Anyway - back to the present. If LeBron leaves, the Cavs will not win 70 games in the next 3 seasons combined. We will go back to the late 90s pre-LeBron Cavs, where Randy Wittman was our coach, Shawn Kemp was our best player and our record was 25-57. No one will care. Games will routinely have 5,000 people.

I think it would be an even money bet to see if the Cavs would be playing in Cleveland in 2015. They would be in a 20 year old arena (wow, now I am old), worth absolutely nothing with a team that is pathetic. I would wager on a move to Kansas City.

Which then means - what is the city of Cleveland going to do between December and April? um - debate who the #1 QB would be for the Browns, which is an annual event? Ha ha.

It opens up the way for a three-person partnership (me, Steve, and Kermit) to buy the Tampa Bay Lightning and move them to Cleveland for the 2019 season.

A request for diversity

I've really been hesitant to wade into the political arena on this blog. You probably know where I stand on about 90% of the issues, and is this blog really fun when we write every week on how Obama is a communist/Bush is evil/Pelosi is an alien/Boehner is a baby-killer? To me, it gets old and tired quick - so I'll save the political posts for some really big events (like the Tea Party throwing out a sitting Republican senator in Utah) or as we get close to elections (wait for October's Nena's 99 Red Balloons for Democratic House Seats preview!)

Are you sure people don't want political talk? I thought last week you were informed that political talk is eminently preferable to NHL memories from the 1990s... -ed

This post, however, is a request to President Obama. As we know, there is another Supreme Court opening that needs to be filled....and I call on President Obama to use this chance to demonstrate his commitment to diversity.

What diversity am I talking about? I'm not talking racial, sexual, or age diversity. I'm talking educational diversity.

I read in one post (and dammit, I can't find the link) that the current Supreme Court justices are all educated from 1 of 3 Ivy league institutions - Harvard, Yale, or Princeton. (Note to self - find that link to confirm!)

It's time we recognize that excellence in professional fields do not come from elitist institutions. Back in the 20th century, the Ivy league institutions had the best and the brightest in the land. However, over the past 10-20 years or so, something has changed. I can't put my finger on exactly what has changed, but I don't think we necessarily need to look at a handful of colleges and determine "that's where our societal leadership comes from". I think it is very unhealthy.

Yes, I am a Republican, but I am also a populist at heart and I abhor elitism. And I think we can all agree that our political, societal, and financial leadership has failed us over the past 10-15 years. Bush was from Yale, Obama got his law degree from Harvard, the Wall Street mess was led mostly by Ivy League graduates (um, need link! -ed.) . It's starting to be clear that there is a detachment from the east-coast Ivy League schools and the rest of the nation.

I realize I am painting a broad brush here, but I really believe we are raising a generation of "leadership" candidates that has never held a real job in the private sector. Yes, I can easily point to Obama as a prime example, but I bet I can find many on the Republican side as well.

I think this nation used to send its brightest to Ivy League schools - because it was clear that the Ivy League schools were head and shoulders above the rest - and then the graduates would be dispersed throughout the land. Now? There are two things that changed with that statement.
- it's no longer true that the Ivy League schools are head and shoulders above the rest. There are plenty of state (and private) schools across the country that can give a comparable educational experience in many fields.
- It just seems (again, I don't have stats here) that the graduates don't "go forth and multiply" but remain concentrated in Academia or in certain regions of the country. And that's not healthly.

(I also can rant about the falling reputation of the Ivy League schools due to their insane liberal bias - the Larry Summers affair and the banishment of the ROTC at Harvard come to mind. But I won't go into that now).

I'm not that stupid to suggest that Obama should nominate a white male with a history of conservative rulings from the Univ of Mississippi law school (Chales Pickering?)

I do request, however, that Obama nominate someone that has no Ivy League ties to the Supreme Court. If it's a Asian-American from Washington State, a white female from Michigan, a black judge from Virginia - whatever. But I look to President Obama to help show that we have become more educationally-diverse in this country by nominating someone with an education from a respected law school outside the northeast - like the Univ of Michigan, Texas, or UCLA.

And if this ever comes to pass, the questioning will immediately focus to "how can this person be qualified? He/She didn't even go to an Ivy League school?" And I will be the first one to condemn that line of questioning, even if it comes from Republicans like Lugar, McConnell, or Grassley). That type of questioning is completely outdated, now that it is the year 2010.

Quick Etiquette Question

Are you supposed to tip at Sonic?

Just asking....I didn't, but then I felt guilty. Don't the teenage rollerskaters deserve something?

The market today...

Well, it's good that I had meetings away from a computer for most of the afternoon. I don't know what I would have done if I saw teh quotes of the stock price today when P&G went to 55, 50, 47......

It is a little scary that the computers and automated orders can send the Dow down almost 1000 points. Do we really think that one possible fat finger caused a 10% drop in the net worth of Americans?

A bittersweet anniversary

One more thing I wanted to post earlier....

Last Saturday (April 24) was the 14th anniversary of the 5th longest NFL playoff game ever....

Pens-Caps, Game 4, 1996 NHL Playoffs

I remember this game pretty vividly - I was in Washington for a training class, and I picked up Layup from college to go to the game that night. I think I called that day (in the morning) to order tickets and we picked them up at will call. The game startd at 7:30. I planned that it would end at 10, I'd get back to the hotel room at 11, and get plenty of sleep for the next day.

This was my first NHL playoff game - and I thought it was cool that it went to overtime. Sudden death! Wonderful!

Then no scores in the first period. Layup and I looked at each other - c'mon, he was in college, what deadlines did he have? We'll stay for the second OT.

The second OT came - we had a penalty shot (Juneau took it? is that right?)- but he missed. It's now 12:15 in the morning. Should we stay? OK, one more OT.

Third OT - another scoreless period. We are now well past 1 am. At this moment, what's the point of sleeping? We stayed on....

Fourth OT - at the 18:00 mark (2 min left), we were still tied at 2-2. It's 2:15 or so in the morning. Jesus, am I going to get a sleepless night?

Petr Nedved (damn him) scored at the 19:15 mark of the 4th overtime; the Caps lost 3-2, and the series was tied, 2-2. Do I have to say that the Pens won the series in 6?

At that time (I think), it was the 3rd longest game in NHL history. Now it is the 5th longest. In doing research for this post, it's weird to see that an Anaheim-Dallas playoff game in 2003 (5 overtimes) passed this Pens-Caps game, and the Anaheim game was played on the same day - April 24.

(It's ironic that I post this now given the Caps' collapse vs. the Canadiens. The more things change..... God, I hope the Habs beat the Pens in 6. )

Why do you hate me?

I'm sure many of you have seen this poll:

Indians are the most hated team in baseball

This makes no sense to me. Really. None.
I'm clearly not as insufferable as the Yankees/Red Sox fans in October. Am I?

Seriously, this makes no sense. Can some one explain this to me?

Guilty pleasures

Hello again. It's been a while.

A quick post while at Freddie's baseball practice, where I just heard the term "double steal":

1. Cleaning out the basement - found a whole shoebox of cassettes. These are classics, containing the best music from the 1987-1991 era :
Extreme III - pornograffiti
Traveling Wilburys
Biz Markie
and of course
Rod Stewart "Rhythm of my Heart"

Just great stuff. Too bad no one owns a cassette player any more.

1a. There is one cassette I found that will be kept. I found the cassette recording of Steve and I calling an inning of a random Tribe game from 1992. I think we were playing Texas and Nolan Ryan was pitching .

But we didn't do the recording in our voices - we did our impressions of Tom Hamilton , the play by play man , and Herb Score, the color guy. I bet you all can guess who was who.

2. Is it bad that I love "operation Repo" on Tru TV ? Yes, of course, it is terrible tv. I guess that is what makes it good.

3. What's wrong with kids today ? I took F and W to Kroger. We went by the Hostess stand. Fruit pies !!!!! I was jumping up and down.
The kids? Not interested at all. They looked at me like I was from Mars. How do kids nowadays not go crazy over those fruit pies ?

New traditions needed

Good Masters this year. I still believe Freddie would have 3 jackets (instead of 1) if he could putt over the last 5 years. He should have been -17 or better today.

Anyway, we need new traditions. We all know where the pins are going to be on the Sunday of the Masters. And, of course, the pros do too ----- and they know exactly where to aim in order to get the roll/bounce they need to funnel to the hole. They don't have to aim at flags, but aim at areas, and the ball will roll dutifully.

Let's change it up. Let's make the players think and be on edge on Sunday. My proposal for the 2011 pin positions:

#10: OK, we can keep it back right. Having it up front is too tough given that.....

#11: Gees, this is Sunday at the Masters. Get the lake in play. Back left. Hell, bring the back water in play too.

#12: Right is fine.

#13: This has got to change. Move the pin 10 feet more to the right, or 10 feet closer to the creek - else put it back right. Let's see the front and right misses go in the water.

#14: There are no real good places here. Switch middle and right every other year.

#15: C'mon, let's see some action. Dead left. And shave the back fringe so balls can go bounding into the lake behind it.

#16: No more back left. How about front left, 3 steps on? Else back right. They have 7 irons - they should hit it like a laser.

#17: The Nicklaus pin from '86. Middle right?

#18: Enough of this as well. Back right.

Random Notes

- Sorry, I just don't love the Masters when 31 people are under par. I don't like majors where if someone shoots 73, they are out of contention. Give me Augusta where -6, -7 wins - not -12, -13 or more (like it's going to be this year).

- F&J Poll: If you had to choose for the Masters Chairman for life, who is it? Hord or Hootie?

I'm a traditionalist - I love the Hord Hardin era (1980-1991). He was so uncomfortable in front of the camera it made the opening 15 minutes of Augusta to be can't miss TV.

- The upstairs of our house had this fog over it on Wednesday night. It made it very hard to sleep, given the intense odor of the fog that covered the upstairs.

What was it? Bug spray? No, Freddie got some Tag body spray in his stocking for Christmas and used it after his shower - without supervision. I swear he emptied half the can Wednesday night.

The Good Old Days

I'm finding YouTube clips of old Sesame Street clips to play for the kids - and they are just as hilarious now as they were back then. This beats another episode of "SpongeBob" anyday - hell, it even beats the recent "Sesame Street" episodes and its too-cute "Elmo's World" vignette.

I've played this clip for Martin about 20 times over the past 3 days. It doesn't get old for me.

"Fat Cat Sat Hat"

It's just fascinating - the pure genius of the clip. The 2 minute video could be interpreted to make a statement on many social themes:

- 60's coolness vs 70's brashness
- conformity vs individualism
- repressed homosexuality. My rommate for 3 years in college had an immense library of Sesame Street clips, and was convinced that Henson was trying to show it was OK to be gay. The first few months, I laughed him off; by the 3rd year, I was convinced (and still convinced) he's right.
Evidence #1459: Listen to the lyrics starting at the 1:35 mark.

For the older kids, I still get a kick out of Grover the Waiter. The oldest two love it as well:

The Big Hamburger (I remember being afraid of hamburgers for a year after watching this)

Fast Food

Grover's Memory (don't you feel like the Blue Guy when the damn waiter doesn't write anything down?)

Houston Shell Open

Easter Sunday and the wife and kids are gone back to Kentucky. Tax Return did not come in, so I'm restricted to the house and not the UTH table at Palo. I'm in a golf and hockey gambling pool and this is a big day. I have Anthony Kim in the golf pool and I'm in second place with a bunch of my players going today. Also I'm itching for some action so I took all of the away teams plus two goals, Uconn women, Oklahoma women, and the Yanks-Soxs under. Oh and lets go over my golf 4 team parlay listed below:

• Anthony Kim over Bryce Molder
• Kevin Sutherland over Charl Swartzel
• Justin Leonard over Matt Kuchar
• Adam Scott over Justin Rose

Oh and I did another wager on Adam Scott over Justin Rose since my hatred for Rose is very high.

12:46pm: So I join you at hole 10 for Anthony Kim. I'm three bloody marys and one Diet Dr. Pepper and rums into the morning. Hey, no judging. I went for a 4 mile run and a healthy breakfast.

12:47pm: Thank you Johnny for gooching AK. 24 straight holes without a Bogey and then AK promptly shanks his tee shot into these huge bushes. Oh, who do I get a text from? Thank you Wiz for checking in. F you. Oh and F you too Don. Your gooches won't work on the master.

12:48pm: Ha. Swartzel misses a short birdie putt on 12. Suck it RRD.

12:52pm: Who are these guys chasing AK? Delaet? Micheal? Ugh. Its amazing how much I've learned

12:54pm: Maggert in the chase. I will never forget him from here on out as he replaced VJ two weeks ago in the Arnold

12:58pm: AK misses the par putt. Now only up two on the contenders.

1:00pm: Wiz and I text how much Kevin Stadler looks like Eric.

1:01pm: AK pulls his drive. I'm mixing another Diet Pepper and Rum. Not good. I'm getting a little too buzzed. Thinking about lighting up a cigar in the living room.

1:02pm: Things I wish I knew before I placed a wager or picked a golfer. Phil does an interview that basically states that he used a driver on every hole to get ready for the Masters despite knowing that he couldn't win this tournament since the holes are very tight. He also stated that his wife's doctor lives in houston and he let him caddie in the final round. Great to just throw an entire tourney.

1:07pm: AK great second shot out of the bunker. Text goes out to Wiz. Eat it.

1:09pm: Away team Red Wings lost by one and now Calgary (away team) is down by two. Need the Sharks and Wild to come through for me to win my wager.

1:10pm: Really thinking that I could make it as a professional sports bettor. If I could just hold off on the 10,000 stupid wagers that eat away on my solid wagers.

1:11pm: Adam Scott makes another birdie. Now 3 up on Justin Rose. Its like they are just giving money away.

1:12pm: If you have a chance. Watch Ray Romano on the golf channel with Phil Hanney. Excellent show. Watched 3 episodes this morning and was laughing my ass off.

1:15pm: Taylor for Birdie and is now at 11 under. One behind AK. And to think Eric mentioned him early this past week. Ugh. And now AK tee shot...another bunker. This is not good.

1:18pm: Does anyone feel cool wearing Transitions glasses? The ones that change with sunlight? And to have Kenny Perry and Trevor Immelman as your spokesmen is not a good sign.

1:20pm. Lee has been so bad for his picks in the fantasy league that he is now offering his picks for $2 a piece. Text Lee stating that I want his pick for the Masters and said that he is interested in a subscription. And I'm going to take him up on it.

1:22pm: Yes Sir!!! Kim has an amazing bunker shot. Another Birdie.

1:32pm: Took a little break. Had to make another drink and made a nice little turkey sandwich. Back on the couch and ready to go. Looks like Kim will be going for the green on the 13th hole. And he goes over the green. But still a chance for birdie.

1:42pm: An interview with AK stating that he is injured and will need to take time off to heal his thumb. And then Johnny comes on and states that he will be able to use the $1 mil plus winnings during his time off. Someone needs to tell him about the gooch for christ sake.

1:43pm: Swartzel is starting to scare me. And so is Westwood. Need to hold off on getting too excited about both of these two for next week. Totally different courses.

1:46pm: AK hits one over the green again. I can't watch this anymore. Need a cigar. Thank god I'm in CA where outside TV watching is accepted and able to complete. Two years ago, Ben and I pulled the 44 inch flat screen outside so that we could smoke, drink, eat, and watch the superbowl. Probably the greatest superbowl viewing experience of my life. Nice and warm and didn't have to worry about missing any parts of the game. God I love CA.

1:48pm: George Lopez and the Outback Steakhouse Pro-Am? Um yeah, I'll skip that one.

1:49pm: Great chip by AK, which makes me yell and wake up the cats.

1:50pm: Getting drunk now. Another par by AK.

1:51pm: Bogey on the last hole by Adam Scott and birdie by Justin Rose makes me lose my bet. Fuck you Mr. Adam Scott. I'm so angry right now. Just laughing outloud to myself to help control my anger.

1:52pm: Talk to Carol. Ask her to stop by Pappy Van Winkle's distillery to pick up some bourbon for me. She is confused and concerned while her dad states that I have good taste and they will go tomorrow. Thank you Don.

1:55pm: Tension between AK and his caddie. AK wants to hit his driver and the caddie won't move his bag, trying to talk him out of it. Hits it anyway.

2:15pm: Slowing down a bit. Getting drunker. Craving my cigar and hot tub. Vaughn Taylor's tee shot is pulled and some fat lady ducks the drive and is on all fours and looks disgusting. Johnny states that she is looking like an Easter egg trying to hide in the grass. Then I get a text from Wiz just stating "What a pig". Its sad that I'm so into golf that people can just text a comment on a random golf happening.

2:21pm: Eric texts me that Kim is a quick putter. On behalf of Kermit, Don, Mike, Craig, and Steve, I told him he should take some notes. He doesn't like this comment.

2:22pm: Kim just drills a stupid lady walking on the cart path. She went down like she was shot. Honestly, you're looking at the tee box and you still get hit in the stomach????? How is that possible. Pay attention you fucking idiot. You cost AK about 40 yards on his drive.

2:28pm: AK comes over to the lady to apologize and she is holding an ice pack to her boob. Why are there paramedics tending to her? If she wasn't cute and in her 20's nobody would even care. I remember last year at the US Open, someone drilled an elderly lady sitting in a chair next to the green in the leg and nobody even cared.

2:30pm: What am I going to do once Eric goes to China? I can't send him 30 texts in an hour about stupid golf shit. He can't send me videos of his kids playing golf in the backyard while he does play by play like Verne. What will I do??????

2:31pm: Thinking about what sport I want my daughter to be good in and I'm thinking that it should be golf.

2:33pm: Deleat makes a birdie on 18 and pushes Schwartzel back a little in the money list. Haha RRD.

2:35pm: AK really doesn't spend that much time over the ball. Wow, almost made a huge putt. 2 shot lead going into 18.

2:37pm: Man I miss not having a kid. So relaxing and I got so much accomplished this weekend.

2:42pm: Kim on 18. Hits it in a fairway bunker. Vaughn who is two shots back of Kim birdies 18 and now is one shot back.

2:43pm: Wiz just text that this was like the UTH dealer beating you on the last card. I agree. I'm so nervous as they go to commercial break. I am now chewing on my patch to get nicotine directly into my system.

2:44pm: Can they have anymore commercials for the The Players tourney in May? Jesus.

2:45pm: 224 to the hole for AK. Hits it into another bunker. Cats have left the living room as they can feel the tension.

2:46pm: Chewing on the Us Weekly with Sandra Bullock on the cover. Why would you cheat on Sandra. Wonder if Jesse James has a sex addiction?

2:49pm: Tremendous bunker shot by Kim. 5 footer for par and a win.

2:52pm: Kim misses it. And blows it by. Going to a playoff. I can't continue this so I'm out. So pissed right now. So angry. I can't even talk. Good day.

Vegas Diary, Part 4

And we come to the conclusion of the diary from Vegas. I finally have time to finish this up before we move on to other topics.

Sunday started again with an early wakeup - I think the most sleep I got on one night was 5 hours - and to the Pai Gow tables with the Cantonese dealer. After a gigantic Chocolate Chip muffin, a few of us -Jay, Laura, Wiz, Layup? - found ourselves at the Blackjack Switch table.

I have to be honest - I am starting to love this game. There is a lot of strategy involved here. Dealer has a 8 up, you have 9-8 and 10-10. What do you do? Do you take the 20 off the board, and go to a 19 & 18?

What about the dealer having a 4 up, and you have 10-3 and A-8? Split and double? Or stand with your 19? Wiz and I got into many discussions on how to play these. It was clear that he comes from the aggresive Sean Payton coaching tree - take away "sure" winners to double in advantageous spots; I obviously come from the Marty Schottenheimer tree - protecting "sure" winners if you got them.

(By the way, if Wiz ever made his own BJ card, I 'm sure it owuld look something like this to the right.)

This was also the scene of our rules discussion with the dealers/pit boss. As most of you know, in black jack switch, everyone pushes if the dealer has 22. I think the felt says "dealer pushes on 22".

Well, our dealer had an Ace showing, then turned over another ace, then a 10.....A hard 12, and a soft 22. Isn't that a push for everyone? We stopped her before she turned another card.

She was puzzled, then realized what we were saying. The first pit boss came over (Eleanor, I think), and after much discussion, she said the dealer has to hit. This is played as 12, according to the casino.

But why? The felt does not say hard 22 - it says 22. We played it out, and this pit boss understood our point at least, and would check into it.

Another pit boss - a black lady - came over and we presented out case to her. She was incredulous that we would even think this is a valid argument. This is 12! She almost shouted those words multiple times.

Here is a link to a Wizard of Vegas post where I presented the case - and most of the responses are against me.

At the same time, Don and Mike are playing UTH across the pit. The black lady goes over there - and with her back to us - presumably start talking to Don and Mike about the idiots at black jack switch that insist 12 is 22. The nerve! As Don and Mike are listening while grimacing, I spot Don over there and raise my hand - Hi Don! How's it going?

Don wanted to slither under the table at that point rather than acknowledge he was with us.

Off to golf, and a terrible round at Bali Hai. The course is nice - I like the fact that if you miss a fairway you are not "dead" and lost a ball. However, the planes taking off from McCarran detract from the experience - a LOT.

I have to say I love my new driver - when I hit it. When I hit it, I'm at least keeping up with Don and Mike (which is better than in recent years). However, the timing is all off right now, and I'm either duck hooking it or producing an awful block. Wiz gave me some "good" advice: "A duck is always better than a block". Next tee shot: 150 yds dead left. Thanks, ass.

Back to the Mirage and ( I believe) the best meal of the trip - the buffet. That's a tradition we should keep - the Sunday evening buffet. After that, where else but UTH? The group got the table for a few hours - however, the eye candy was lacking this night as well. Apparently, the dealer said Sunday Night at Revolution is "transvestite night" or something to that effect.

Well, I made a nice profit at the table, and was getting a little bored....and I saw Leland standing there waiting for something......... "Craps run? " I said to Leland. Of course. Off we went.

We found an empty $15 table that was joined quickly by an odd assortment of people - three college age kids to my right, a foreign couple on Leland's side, a semi-high roller with a female escort. After a bit, the table warmed up pretty nicely. It was never on fire but it was warm for a good 2 hours. The shooters made about 2-3 points each, lots of numbers, and then sevened out. And this repeated for 8-10 shooters. No one had the dice for over 15 minutes, but everyone had them for at least 10. (And oh my God - the field was on fire. My horn high ace deuce - my personal crack cocaine - was coming through, and this kid next to me was making a mint on the field. He turned $100 into $500 quickly, mostly on the field bets.)

Well, we left making another nice profit - my first yellow chip (and my camera didn't work!). After cashing out, I was considering going upstairs - but then I see Leland hanging out at a BJ table with John the Dealer dealing. Leland wasn't playing, but he seemed to think this was a hotel bar where he could ust lounge around for an hour or so.

The table was empty - so why not? I jumped in. it was not the minimums I was used to, so I was a bit cautious with the outlay. I lost the first hand - but then I got on a roll. Finally! After 4-5 years of getting smoked at Pai Gow by John, I was actually winning. He went on break after 20 minutes, and I more than doubled my outlay. That was a good signal to leave for the night.

Monday - Layup actually got up, showered and left before I got out of bed! A first! After some leisurely candy shopping and packing, I headed to the UTH table - alone - for one last session. The table was empty when I started playing - but then a drunk 20-something guy came around. He was yelling "Butt Scratcher!" just like the Family Guy episode. For whatever reason, he stopped at my table. He offered me one ("no thanks"), and offered the dealer one. She actaulyl took it and scratched her back with it.

He was clearly drunk and a leftover from the night before. He was wearing a shirt that said "Swallow, or it gets in your eye!". However, he seemed mesmerized by UTH. He watched me for about 10 minutes, trying to learn the game; I finally convinced him to sit down and play. We both were winning, as I left for the airport up for the fourth session in a row, and Mr. ButtScratcher had almost doubled his money.

Saturday night note

Can't believe I forgot that this was part of Saturday night! I would wager that no one will ever see this again - a Royal on the board in UTH!!!

None of us were playing the trips - the old man in the upper left corner was, so he got paid $750 for his $15 trips bet.

If I held that King of Hearts and the other 4 cards to the royal were on the board, it would have been worth $7500.

However, even though this board looks great, it was just a push to all of us since we tied the dealer with a Royal.

Quick note to new parents

Just a word of advice:

If you need to get a passport for your child, get the passport before the kid is 9 months old; or else wait until the kid is 3.

Trying to get a passport photo - which requires the child to be still, leaning back up against a background - is damn near impossible when the kid is 18 months old.

Vegas Diary, Part 3

Before we move on to Saturday, two quick notes:

1. I have been advised that the incident at the UTH table with Blue Shirt guy was Thursday night, not Friday. Wiz and Layup swear they did not gamble after returning from the MGM on Friday night. Now that I think about it, they're right.

2. Freddie's basketball coach was in Vegas the same weekend. Most of you were aware that he invited us to a block party at O'Sheas on Wed night when we arrived. (I politely said "hmmm, we may not get in until later...I'll have to think about it).

I texted him before dinner on Friday to see where he was if he wanted to get together on Friday at some time. He wrote back - at that time - that he was partying at the Hard Rock. Well, with all of the delays, and dinner going way late, I never texted him back.

I saw him at the batting cages last weekend -and I asked him how it went. He said it's probably a good thing we didn't meet up, because........

(go into Gene Rayburn Voice)

Their group got so wasted...

how wasted were they?

They got so wasted that his brother was thrown out of the Excalibur hotel.

I mean, just think about that for a second. Thrown out of the Excalibur.

Ok, now on to

Saturday

The day opened as usual, with relaxing Pai Gow. I met two spearate dealers who were from Guangzhou, China - and I learned some things (but not too much) about that city that will be useful in the short term.

After winning a bit, over to the UTH table, where the Jerry Lewis Telethon (R) was just beginning! I think I was there during the first hour (but not the start) of the 12 hour UTH marathon. It was a bad start for all of us, and I picked up and left after about an hour or so.

Next up was a massage! So I hate to embarass myself on the blog (what else is new? -ed), but I have to relate this story to see if anyone else feels the way I do.

So I went upstairs to change clothes, and came back down to the spa with my bathing suit in hand. The locker room attendant told me that I was free to use the facilities, including the whirlpool - here's your robe, and towels are over there. No suit required.

Um - what? I asked him to repeat. I don't need a suit?

No, was the answer.

OK, I guess. It felt weird at the beginning. I confess, I haven't been in a male-only spa before. I got used to it fairly quickly - except for the fact of rooting for St Mary's with total strangers while only wearing a robe - but it was just an odd feeling to being with.

So after the massage and the spa experience, I headed over to the UTH table - suit in hand. And I carried my suit around for most of the afternoon - to the UTH table, to the book, I think I even played craps while laying my suit on the rail.

After the massage, the team was in hour 4 of the telethon - and the tote board was negative. I joined in the fun - and promptly got killed again. That's when I got hungry, and Laura ordered deli sandwiches for us.

I headed to the book to place more bets, and lingered - and came back and the sandwich was waiting there. What better place to scarf down a huge deli sandwich than standing up next to the UTH table!

I dipped my toe into the UTH pool again around hour 6 - and got it chopped off. No more. I swore UTH for the rest of the telethon. I think Leland swore it off as well, so we both headed over to the Craps table, quickly joined by Mike and Laura.

(I distinctly remember at least 4 times during this trip where Leland, Mike, Laura and I were at the craps table while the other 4 were over at UTH. Not exactly sure what that meant.)

Standing next to us at the craps table was a group of 3 guys here on a business trip, sharing one bankroll. It was funny at first to listen to them argue on how they were going to bet ("Press! Go to 25! Hard 6 now!") but after 15 minutes of the same antics, it got old. Fortunately, we were winning, so it was tolerable. It ended up being just one guy at the craps table with another guy standing on a slot machine chair shouting directions down to the guy at the table.

(Also - with the point being 5 - I kept singing the Subway 5 dollar foot long song for 15 straight rolls, as the female shooter refused to hit the point or seven out.)

Well, by now, the disaster of the UTH table was long forgotten, my big sports bets (why Leland and I didn't go 4 digits on Kentucky -9 vs Wake? )were coming in, and I was feelign pretty good after 14 Strwaberry Daiquiris at the UTH table and 5 Tom Collinses (yes, this drink made a comeback this trip!) at the craps table. On to Pai Gow.

It was 7 pm or so, I only had that turkey sandwich all day, and I was getting a bit drunk. In Pai Gow, if you have a good bottom hand - like a flush or a striaght - your top 2 cards are usually going to suck. Many players call this being "topless".

Well, I decided to act this out. I got a heart flush on the bottom and 5-3 up top. I turned to Leland and Jay to my right.

"You know what my top hand is?"

No, they answered.

I lifted up my shirt. "Topless!"

As Jay said, there are things he can't unsee.

Well, I thought I was hilarious that first time, so I repeated it at least 6 more times. I thought it was just as funny as the first - I'm sure Leland and Jay did not agree.

By the 4th time, I started laughing uncontrollably. I couldn't see out of my contacts. I just lost it for a good 2-3 minutes. The waitress hated me, I'm sure the dealer didn't like it, and (most embarrasingly) the guy at the other end of the table - who was betting $1000/hand, sometimes $5000 - did not like it.

Here he is, with a $40,000 stake at the table, and a drunk idiot is giggling and lifting up his shirt. A proud moment for me. There was one other time I completely lost my emotions in Vegas - 2004, shortly after the stressful move to Iowa and I was convinced on this trip that Steve and Kermit were conspiring against me - but that was more of a breakdown. This was just......immaturity.

(And do I regret it? Ummmmmm......no.)

With the UTH Marathon ending, we headed to Dos Caminos for dinner, which is always a letdown. The chips and guacamole are soooooooo good, it overshadows the dinner. My dinner came - and it was just ok. Dry beef. I don't know why I ordered what I ordered.

Back to the Mirage for the annual Satuday night $25 craps run, with predictable results. I was the worst roller of the group - actually, I sucked all trip in rolling. The auction that Layup detailed was memorable. My "Here we go, Hard 6, here we go" caught on for the first 4-5 rolls but then no one else had the energy to sustain for the rest of the rolls. Disappointing.

I have in my notes here that we went back to the UTH table after this; I was about 80% asleep. I think Wiz called this Bizarro Saturday night, as the eye candy we were expecting did not show up. It seemed like everyone weighed about 75 pounds more than we remembered from past Saturday nights.

Vegas Diary, Part 2

As we continue....

Friday

As usual, we start bright and early in the sportsbook at 5:00 in the morning. This time, it is a chocloate milk and V8.

Started the gambling day off with $25 BJ with everyone at a table - and promptly got destroyed. The start of a bad day? After a break - to the craps table, with Leland and Mike (and Laura) - in one of many craps runs with Leland. Got destroyed there.

Time for a break. Watched some games up in the room, like the end of the X-Minnesota game. Tried to take a nap, but my body wasn't having any of it. I had Temple (loser), Temple under (loser), X over (loser), and X. With 1 minute left, it was 65-52 X, so I turned it off and tried to sleep.

10 minutes later, my Dad texts me. "What a finish to the X game!".

Oh dear - did I go 0 - for - 4?

I check my phone - 67-53 was the final. X wins and covers, but the over did not hit. Just as I thought.

I texted Dad back. "What do you mean?"

"You got the over in the X game!" was the response.

Uh no, Dad, you are looking at the Temple game.

So with that conversation, my nap was officially ruined. As I was leaving to go downstairs, Layup came in - and he tried to nap. I was well awake by then and started officiating in the room for 30 minutes, keeping him awake. Finally, he said:

"Weren't you getting the hell out of here 20 minutes ago?"

Oh, yes. I wanted to take a break from gambling, so down to the book I went. Watched most of the afternoon games down there - Purdue-Siena (it was clear that 90% of the audience has Siena), Missouri-Clemson (the over in that game was the 2nd best lock of the week), Oakland-Pitt (a double loser), and Wofford-Wisconsin, where it was clear that 99% of the book could not care less about the game. I was the only one cheering any Wofford score as they covered and almost won outright.

I was by myself, stadning and watching the games peacefully, when a group of friends started to form in front of me. There were about 5-6 of them, 4 guys and 2 ladies, all in their mid 30's or so. Well, the two women started talking. And it wasn't about basketball. They were from California and started talking about La Jolla, the coast, where a recpetion would be, what parties were held next month - oh! it will be on the ocean!

And they were talking loud - trying to hold a converstaion in the book on NCAA weekend. I was fuming. But the games I was wagering on were looking good - so I couldn't move, could I? I just had to stand there and take the vocal abuse from the "Wives of OC" wannabes. Mike finally showed up and he was subjected to the noise for a while until the games ended.

It's a Vegas trip, so it was time for the $5 Columbus Blue Jackets gift for everyone! $5 on Columbus +1.5 at +200. A 3-goal third made everyone a winner on this trip (for the first time!)

Another meal for the day (my fourth, I think, which includes the V-8, Bouchon, a snack during the games, and now CPK), and a quick UTH run before heading to the MGM for dinner.

We got there around 6 or so. I had nothing on the Maryland game - but the "first to 15" bet intrigued me. Who would be the first to hit 15 points? Maryland was -170. This seems like a good bet - I figured Maryland would come out fast and get to a big lead, and then hang on at the end.

"Fast" is not what I would describe those first 10 minutes of the game. It was like a good tennis match between two baseline players. 5-4 Maryland. 6-5 Houston. 7-6. 8-7. 9-8. Would they hit it by halftime? Houston hit a three to go up 15-13, and that was that.

The MGM book was weird. I think I had a sign on me that said: "If you are black, talk to me!". During the game, a drunk black guy said something to me about Laura (who was next to me), and I think he said she's hot, obviously thinking she and I were an item. "Pardon me?" I said. He then apologized 11 times and walked away, and I was still flummoxed. After dinner another large black man was my best friend because we were both rooting for Syracuse. We need skyboxes in the sportsbook so we don't have to mingle with the hoi polloi.

More disaster with Mike at Blackjack where our dealer was threatened by a losing patron (although this was $15, and not the disaster of $50 that Wiz/Layup were dealing with). After getting out there after dinner, it was back to the UTH table for a final session that night - and a memorable story of our boorishness.

The location of our table was a prime one - right on the corner near the nightclub Revolution, so it was a good spot to see all the possible matchmaking that could go on. Three ladies stumbled out of the club - and the middle one was obviously drunk. A young guy, about 22 in a blue shirt, tried to make his move on the girl in the middle. All 5 of us were watching this last-ditch attempt by our blue shirt friend.

He failed. The ladies dragged the middle girl away and up the stairs. Immediately, we loudly booed the poor guy. "Boooooo! Sorry for your luck!" Startled (and drunk), he walked over and sat at the table (right next to me). He tried to defend himself, but he couldn't. And he was losing consciousness. He slumped in his chair, closed his eyes - but no, he awoke. He leaned over - Wiz put the odds of a puke at -110 - but no, he straightened. He tried to place a bet at the table - he pulled out two wadded $1 bills (at a $15 minimum table) - but then thought better of that.

After about 10 minutes, he arose and said "don't worry, I'll be back.". I set the line at 5-1 against him coming back in 10 minutes. Derek said yes, Wiz said no.

He never showed. I wonder what happened to him......

And now for the rest of the story

This trip was one for career highs in winning and losing. I just outlined my amazing craps run, so now lets highlight my losses. I only had one other winning session for the entire trip.

1. UTH Marathon: Saturday morning at 8:00am-8:00pm Wiz and I had a Jerry Lewis telethon going at the UTH table. Disaster struck both of us within the first hour and we were both scared that we wouldn't make it through even 3 hours. Some classic things came from this session:

• 6 and 9 down cards= Mrs. Zahn. Classic. And heaven forbid that a 6 or 9 came up on the flop and then it turned into a graphic letter to the editor to Playboy.
• Discussion between the table on what item would be shoved up our ass by the dealer when we went in 4 X pre flop. There were stretches where the dealer was pulling full houses and quads to beat any type of hand we had. Ugh.
• Take out. Nothing better than plowing through a full pizza by myself table side. I'm surprised I didn't get sick. And then watching Eric run around the casino with a half of turkey sandwich, almost made me throw up. Not that he was eating the sandwich, but that he was walking around in the casino with it.
• Announcing by Eric and company as if the UTH table was a golf tourney. Classic.

2. Rest of UTH: 90% of my gaming involved UTH. And I lost my ass. I'm sure this was the same for Wiz, Don, and Mike. I gambled with Don and Mike more this trip than all other trips combined. And it was a blast. Don't think I can go back to playing pai gow as the game to get drunk on while gambling. Too slow. Some other highlights:

• Our mutual hatred for many of the dealers: Thought that I got some dealer fired due to an integrity issue on a payout that I tried to give back. I was also told by one of the dealers that my wife will divorce me because I came out to Vegas without her.
• Other players at the table- Grandma and Grandpa were there again. Carol and I gambled with them in November. They smell, complain, and are just terrible people.
• Don might be elected into the Vegas hall of fame for the creation of the UTH card.
• One dealer told us a story about losing $4,000 to quad 5's during a real poker game and his next hand he dealt was quad 5s. He wasn't too happy.
• Hovering- Two DBs stood there and laughed at Wiz, Don, and I when the dealer pulled quads that bet all of our full houses, with me then looking at them and saying some very choice words. We almost had another slot machine incident.
• The blame game- Loved blaming the person next to you for getting the same cards as you have. Nothing is better. And there is nothing worse than someone not working as a team at the table. Hiding their cards and not sharing. Ugh. I think I'm going to make a Norms and Values card to share with the table on proper table behavior.

2. BlackJack (Session 1): Only had two sessions and got absolutely destroyed. That's actually an understatement. On Thursday night I was so desperate to play BJ, that Wiz and I sat at an empty table that was in a high foot traffic area. It was so bad that someone with a suitcase clipped my chair as they were walking by. And it wasn't like I was playing $10 BJ. I was playing $100 a hand. And I get clipped by a fucking suitcase by some asshole. Think I lost 17 hands in a row. Session lasted 20 minutes for me.

3. BlackJack (Session 2): Played at the MGM. Was very impressed with the table setup at the MGM. I really enjoyed it. Great dealers, great lighting, and TVs. Was having a great time with Wiz, until he went to cut the cards and the card bounced out of the decks. It was like the 6 deck shoe spat out the cut card. I've never seen anything like it. And as usual, it was a bad omen. I got destroyed. Tried to change up the rhythm by playing two hands. Not the smartest of moves during a bad shoe. Ended up getting killed. Killed actually is an understatement.

4. $25 craps: Played craps with Eric, Lee, Wiz, Jay, and Laura at the Mirage at the $25 table. Reason number 4,175 why Wiz and I shouldn't be gambling together. We had an auction on the hard 6. I would put $25 on the hard six, then Wiz would say $30, then I said $35, and so on. It ended at $110 for Wiz and $105 for me. And it didn't hit. I can't tell you what would of happened if that would of hit. A total riot would of taken place.

5. $5 craps: Went back to the Sahara for seconds with Jay and Laura on Sunday. What a great time. Despite losing $250, it brought us the strangest interaction with several strangers at the table.

• There were some gangsters on the other end and the one guy rolled the dice with authority. He would hit the back wall on the fly, with no arch. And the way he did it was so cool. As Laura stated before, it was like he was throwing a right cross and then the dice would come flying out. And he was a good roller which made Jay and I scream like little girls while he was rolling.
• Some young loner dude next to Jay had a very interesting style of betting which I think we should analyze more on a latter post. He would switch back and forth between the pass and don't pass and when he thought the table was getting cold, he would place a large wager on the come. It worked out very well for him. So much so that at first he bought Jay and I the hard 10 for 5 a piece. We felt a little awkward so we bought him one as well. Then he bought the entire table (full table mind you) the hard 4 for $5. Then when Laura was rolling well again, he bought the entire table the hard 10 for $25 a piece. Jay whispered to me that if Laura hits it, he was tackling me into the craps pit like someone hitting a buzzer beater. Once again the dealers were awesome and were just as vested in the rolls as we were. The stick guy was like Gus Johnson calling out the numbers. WE HAVE ONE FIVE AND.......oh a four." Amazing time again.

Overall the trip was amazing. Maybe one of the best I've been on, despite giving back the winnings and then some. Can't wait for next year.