Houston

I find it pretty funny that the Rockets are all up in arms over the Flop Call last night, when they have the player that took it to another level in college. That's right, Shane Battier plays for the Rockets and he was the king of the flop back in his Duke days. So I really have a tough time feeling bad for the Rockets. Great game though.

Some additional quick thoughts on the NBA playoffs:

1. The NBA playoffs usually peek my interest and I start watching more games, but this year I'm just overwhelmed with the amount of good first round match ups. The Wiz-Cavs series is turning into the Heat-Knicks of the past. Lebron is just taking it to another level. This has been an outstanding series so far and one that I will make sure I watch from here on out.
2. NO-Mavs- This is one that I wanted to put money down, but didn't and now I'm shooting myself. This is a case of going against public opinion. I have yet to hear one person take New Orleans in this series, which was a red flag. Watching that first game it was obvious that New Orleans will take this series in 5 games.
3. Suns-Spurs- Easily the best 1st round match up ever.
4. Lakers-Nugs- If the Nugs could just play one ounce of defense...but they can't which means that Luke Walton will go for 20 each night. How embarrassing. Luke freaking Walton is lighting up your team on a nightly basis.
5. Philly-Detroit- I don't think I'm cheering for another team to lose more than Detroit. I hate the way that they play and I would just like to see them exit early. Despite losing game one, I still think that they will take the series.
6. Will a Lakers Celtics matchup create more hype on ESPN than Colts-Pats?
7. Why is it that I enjoy all the laughing and joking that goes on with the TNT crew, but hate it when it is the ESPN, Fox, or CBS football crews?

Happy Schedule Day!

Big day today! The 2008 NFL Schedule comes out at 2 pm Eastern!

This is the day when we can start preparing for the fall - what weekend to block out here in Cincinnati, perusing possible road trips back up to Cleveland, and to figure out if there is a good game to take the kids. Last year was perfect - a non-divisional, 1 pm start in early October (so no weather problems): I took Freddie to the Miami game and it went wonderfully. This year's home schedule, however, doesn't look to be kid friendly:
- I don't want to take him to a divisional game yet;
- Dallas and New York at home? Hmmm.......could be too ugly
- Indy? I'll go only if Layup wears a "I love Jim Sorgi" t-shirt
- Tennessee? Those frauds
- Denver? Maybe.

I expect the Browns to have at least 2 prime time games this year - whether on Sunday or Monday night, possibly on Thursday. Some early rumors:

- Week 1 is rumored to be at home vs. Dallas at 4 pm for the FOX national game; this would be the first time Joe Buck would be in Cleveland for a Browns game - in fact, I think it would be the first time in 30 years that the lead NFC crew would be in Cleveland. Pat Summerall/John Madden never made it to Cleveland.
- Rumors of a possible Thanksgiving night matchup at home vs. Pittsburgh. Now there's a game where you hide the kids....

That's it...no more

No more Joe Bo. That's it. I can't take it any more.

Betancourt.....Perez.....hell, even Lewis....anyone but Borowski.

Hello Friends....Sunday ramblings

Happy Master's Sunday!!! Hope everyone is inside and lounging on the couch today watching the pros hack up the course.

• PGA Golf Pool- This by far is probably the best gambling pool I have ever been in. My interest in golf has increased ten fold. I'm starting to learn the announcers by name and voice, know all of the low end golfers, and watch more golf than usual, even if Tiger is not involved.


• On that note, fuck Justin Rose. YOU SUCK!!! Your performance on Friday puts you in the Rutgers realm. I will always root against you from here on out.


• Am I the only one who thinks that Jim Nance should only do golf? He is perfect as the host for golf. Its obvious he knows what he is talking about, and his soft voice is perfect. But this doesn't translate into football and college basketball. I absolutely hate him for these two sports, but love him for the Masters. I'm trying to think if there is anyone else that falls into this type of category?


• Did anyone notice Chad Campbell's "hat tan line" from the Houston Open? It was one of the most disturbing things I have ever seen. His forehead, which was covered by his hat for pure white, while the rest of his face was all burnt from the sun. I thought something was wrong with my TV at the beginning, but then realized that it was an actual hat tan line. Ugh....


• Eric pointed out to me this morning that Vin Scully was the 18th hole announcer at the Masters back in the 70s. WOW!!! What a treat.


• Who can get Masters' tickets? Actually let me rephrase this. What normal person can get Masters' tickets? There is a guy that I used to work with who could get Masters' tickets, but the guy is such a tool, there is no way I would ever travel back East to go. And we all know about Eric's friend Kenny.
• And I think we can all agree that Immelman's wife has officially taken over Michelson's wife as the hottest wife in golf.

Hillary Clinton = Herm Edwards?

Most casual NFL fans remember the ending of a game back in 1977 between the Giants and the Eagles. The Giants were up 6 or so with 30 seconds on the clock; they had the ball at their own 20 and all they had to do was to run out the clock........

Barack Obama can see the finish line. All he has to do is run out the clock. Some even say that Hillary's only hope is to wish for a monumental error by Obama - lacking that, there's no way she wins.

Well...........

"You go into these small towns in Pennsylvania and, like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothing's replaced them," Obama said. "And they fell through the Clinton Administration, and the Bush Administration, and each successive administration has said that somehow these communities are gonna regenerate and they have not. And it's not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations."

I have failed to appreciate how big of a deal this truly is until today. You have one last primary - Pennsylvania - that has a TON of rural, blue-collar, lower-middle class workers as voters. Those voters are pro-gun and mostly pro-religion. And you say that they hold those beliefs because they are bitter? They just turned to God in 1992 when the recession hit? Did Jesus die in 1987 - and before that Pennsylvania was not a religious state?

How could he willing say something so....snobbish? (Note the "they"s that he uses). Note the way he infers that guns or religion or anti-immigrant is wrong and something to be explained away.... "Now you really don't believe in that religion stuff,right Mr. Voter?" How out of touch can he be?

Do any Democrats study history from, oh, 1988? People do not elect politicans who they perceive to be out of touch. How many examples do people need?

1988: Dukakis in the tank.

1992: George HW Bush going to a grocery store and was amazed at the scanner.

2004: John Kerry windsurfing on his vacation

And now 2008: Barack Obama thinks the only reason those pro-gun, God-fearing people believe in that crap is because they are "frustrated". If only the economy was better, these poeple would see the light and would back us on gun control! And they'd see no need for Jesus!

And they'd be for free-trade just like us enlightened people! (Oh wait - we just had a primary in Ohio where Barack and Hillary tried to compete in the "I Hate NAFTA the most" contest". How again does Barack's statement above jive with the Ohio campaign.

So now this is the opening for Hillary. I should say, Hillary "I LOVE The NRA! Yes I Do!" Clinton:

She described herself as a pro-gun churchgoer, recalling that her father taught her how to shoot a gun when she was a young girl and said that her faith “is the faith of my parents and my grandparents.”

Oh my God. From 1999: Stepping up the Clinton Administration's campaign against gun violence, Hillary Rodham Clinton used an emotional White House ceremony today to call on Americans to press Congress to ''buck the gun lobby'' and pass several gun control measures.

But enough about Hillary. This is about Obama - he has dropped the ball big time. The statement above actually puts into words the concerns that some Democrats have about Obama - he can't win the needed swing states like Ohio, Pennsylvania and Michigan because of beliefs like this.

Basically - the concern is that Obama is a snob and can't win outside the "latte liberal" vote. He is George McGovern, 40 years later. The main problem: he can't hide it, Hillary knows this weekness and has the trump card that is the complete opposite of Obama - her husband.

Obama has dropped the ball late in the game. Will Hillary pick up the ball and run for a miracle win - just like Herm Edwards 30 years ago?

Leave Brittany Alone!!!

What is up with the MLB? Leave Canseco alone. Especially in the bathroom.

Ramblings

Its been a long time since the last Larry King type post. As I drink my morning cup of coffee and procrastinate my morning run, here are a few thoughts:

• Was woken up this morning at 7:15 by a call from Ben. He was just calling me to tell me that he was putting a Decepticon logo on his car. Um..excuse me? You called me on Saturday morning to tell me this? And my response to him? "Megatron is a whiny bitch." And then I hung up. Ugh.
• Then I get a text from Ben at 9:30am telling me he just pulled over a van with 7 transsexual illegal alien prostitutes seeking asylum in the US. Called him immediately and verify and it was true. He said that he will be stuck doing paperwork on this for days.
• Yesterday the supervisors in my Auto Physical Damage department had an interview with a potential candidate for an open position. Two of them come running into my office telling me that they had a candidate that they wanted to hire immediately. Their manager was on vacation that day, so they wanted me to talk to her to see if we could hire her. Well, she comes into my office and she is no older than 22 years old. On a normal scale of 1-10 she was about a 6.5, but in their department where their jobs are to work with Body Shops to get cars fixed, she was a 10 in their eyes. And not to be sexist, but young women rarely do well in this type of position. Well as I talk to her, I see why the guys were getting so excited. She was wearing a white button down shirt and she kept on scratching her chest. No not her boobs, but right above it, still requiring her to somewhat open up the button down shirt. And she only did this when I was making eye contact with her. Nice little trick girly. So I ended the interview after 10 minutes since there was no substance to her responses and walked her out. As I returned into my office, the supervisors were sitting there waiting for me like little puppies waiting for their food. "You guys are idiots. No way." This started a 15 minute argument on the subject with the supervisors, with them debating with me like it was for a presidential election. I agreed that we would bring her back in and have a second interview with the manager and have her go out on a ride a long with one of the more tenured employees. Its amazing that these guys would sacrifice their annual raise, just to bring in an average looking girl.
• We just missed Heidi and Spencer at the Palazzo. Apparently they were there on March 26th, and had a huge argument at Dos Caminos. How great would it of been if we were there for that!!!
• Note to Don and Mike: Italian wines under investigation!!! But more importantly to Eric, Jon, and I, they found the same type of health issues with their cheese. Noooooooo!
• Pleasantly surprised on how good I am Legend started out, but upset on how it ended. Not good at all.
• As I posted before, I'm up for a big promotion. Well I am one step closer. I was asked to step into the position in an acting role for the next three months. And the VP stated that once I hit all of my objectives, the promotion goes through. Well, I'm at 2 out of 4 right now, and I should hit the 3rd one later next week. This leaves me with one last one.
• Went out and golfed last weekend at sunrise. What a disaster!! My game has gone to shit. My drives and long irons were fine, but everything else was a disaster. 39 putts on top of only hitting 3 greens in regulation. Posted a 99 on a very easy course. Will be spending the next couple of weeks working on my chipping and putting.
• Hellboy II is coming out this summer. Loved the first one.

Why wait?

That's right, why wait until next year to go back out to Vegas. Anyone up for a long weekend (Arrive Friday night and leave Monday morning) during the football season?

I hate my state sometimes

So - you are on a committee to bring a casino to Ohio. Good!
You'd like to create an advertising campaign to get people in support of your proposal. Good again!
And you'd like to use a fictional TV character to help you get the word out in commercials. OK - sounds good, but you better make the right choice!

Who do you choose?

Do you choose Corporal Klinger (played by Jamie Farr, Ohio native)? No.
Do you choose Cliff Huxtable?
Do you choose Cliff Clavin? George Costanza?

No. You make this choice.

What the hell were these people thinking? Did the clock turn back to 1989 when I wasn't looking?

Sunday: The few, the proud...

Sunday, 7:45 am

Wake up after about 3 hours of sleep. Don and Mike leave for the airport...leaving just Wiz, Leland, Layup, Micah and myself.

I head down to the casino to see who could possibly be there. I find Micah at a Pai Gow table. Micah looks depressed, beaten....yet somehow has a stack of $100 chips in front of him.

"Micah, how is it going?"
"Uhnhnh......"
"Have you been down here since I left?"
"Yes....."

OK then. I surmise it's going well and head over to the Mirage to place ladies' bets. Layup joins me. We find a craps table and do ok for a while - and then two magical things happen:

1) Leland comes by and joins us, and
2) Good, singable music comes on!

First there was an Erasure song (which I can't remember - and no, it wasn't "Chains of Love" or "A Little Respect"). Then Diana came on!

The point was 8 - Layup and Leland were on the hard 8 - and then I started singing:

If I've got to be strong
Don't you know I need to have tonight when you're gone?
till you go I need to......

hold you
until the time

Your hands reach out and

(the roll comes, and I hug Leland, next to me)

Touch me in the morning....

"8! Hard 8!" was the call! Winners all around!

Why no, I don't live in West Hollywood. Why do you ask?


Then Layup and I went over to the Ultimate Texas Hold Em Poker table game. Great game - I'll explain more about it later. It was just Layup and I and the dealer - a 60-ish year old man who could be compared to Wilford Brimley. (Layup likes Cliff Clavin, but I say no.)

We start talking basketball - he loved Western Kentucky - and we found out that he used to referree high school basketball in Michigan. Well, some of you know that I reffed JV ball in Ohio when I got out of school, so the dealer and I hit it off immediately. Layup, however, was not finding the conversation to his liking.

It got so bad that it got in the way of his dealing. He would be holding the cards, ready to give us our 2nd card - but get engrossed in his stories (one of them was his recollection of reffing Derek Jeter in a high school game.) He held the cards for a good 45-60 seconds while talking - and not dealing. Oh, this was driving Layup crazy. I enjoyed watching him get more and more irritated.

Anyway, we went back, I checked out. But we still had the rest of the day to gamble. At this time, it was me (on 3 hours of sleep), Wiz (on about 4), Leland (who "napped" from 11 pm - 2 am the night before and was still up), and Layup, feeling fine after his bout the night before.

Where was Micah? "Oh, he's passed out on the bed. No one is moving him."
Anything wrong? "Well, he lost his wedding ring."

Now, Pai Gow has got to be the most sedentary of all the casino game. NOTHING HAPPENS. The pace of the game is best suited for Estelle Getty. And yet, somehow, between 4-7 am at a Pai Gow table, Micah's ring went missing.

But at least he had the stacks of black chips to keep him company.

The four of us head back over to the Mirage and get something to eat. Leland disappears, and then the three of us head to the Pai Gow table. There was a table with 5 seats, 4 of them being open; I sat down at first base, Wiz was next to me and Layup was opposite me at 3rd base.

There was one seat open - so we were able to play the dragon hand! I forgot the joy of the dragon - the dealer gives someone the option of playing two different hands. Wiz took the dragon about 85% of the time, but still.

After about 30 minutes, a middle aged couple comes up. The man, weighing about 275 pounds, joins us in the empty seat next to Wiz. His wife hovers behind him. The wife is a svelte, petite woman of about 255 pounds or so.

She immediately asks Wiz: "Do you mind if I stand here? I always bring the table good luck." Sure enough, the next hand, Wiz was dealt J-10-8-6-5-3-2 pai gow.

She then compares the Mirage's version of Pai Gow to other Pai Gow tables she has seen - like at extravangant casinos such as the Luxor or Excalibur. "The other casinos have the Fortune bonus. They don't have it here! I am disappointed. I like to play that. It's only $1 and you can win up to $5000! Why don't more casinos offer that game..." and on and on and on.

Wiz is about to slug the lady, I am half cracking up and what's happening to him but half irritiated with her, too, since I can hear her - and Layup is flaling off his chair in laughter. At one point, Layup sees a hot 20 year old walking our way; he signals to Wiz that a hottie is coming - Wiz turns to look and is face to face with the fat lady's crotch standing right next to Wiz, blocking the view. Classic.

After about 10 minutes, Wiz gives up and goes to the Blackjack table right next to us to play $100 hands. Layup joins him. Now that means there is an empty seat between me and the man who sat down to begin this nightmare........... and the wife starts leaning in, covering the space between him and me with her arms and shoulders. She leans on the table in the 2nd position - effectively trapping me - and then starts to make conversation with me.

"Wow - your friend is playing $100 blackjack! I would be very nervous with those stakes. Are you supposed to hit 3 vs a 3? (I swear, that was an actual quote)"

I couldn't take it any more and left. I cashed out, Wiz and Layup had problems with their dealer at their BJ table, so we all went to the cashier - and found her, again, following us.

"How did you guys do? Did you make money?"

Go the fuck away.

We then find an open Ultimate Texas Hold Em table, and eventually decide to play a hand blind. The rules of the game:
1) you are trying to beat the dealer; and you have a $10 ante and a $10 blind;
2) You are dealt your two cards; you can decide to bet 3x or 4x your minimum bet now, or wait;
3) you see the flop; you can decide to bet 2x the minimum bet , or wait;
4) you see all 5 cards, and can decide to bet another $10 or fold.

Well, we decided to bet 4x the ante ($40) without looking at our hole card. So we've got $60 riding on a hand that we haven't looked at.

The board: A-J-8-6-3 , rainbow.

The dealer turns over his cards: Q-6. Damn. A pair.

Wiz's cards are turned: 7-A ! Winner!
My cards are turned: 9.......9! Winner!
Layup's cards are turned: K.....4. Sorry for your luck.

There was a final craps session that I'll blog later about. I can't do it justice right now. I was laughing so hard (while losing money) that the boxman had to tell me "No crying at the Craps table". And it is all Wiz's fault.

I don't understand people

I don't understand some "sports" fans. On the local news here in Cincinnati, they showed the pre-game tribute at the Reds game for a soldier (a Cincinnati native) in Iraq who has been missing for 4 years. Unfortunately, his dead body turned up on Sunday in Iraq. So, before opening day on Monday, they had a moment of silence for the solider.

They showed the Reds standing on top of their dugout during the moment of silence; behind them we could see the first few rows of fans in the stands.

In the front row- the row right behind the dugout - a fan was seen - with a Red Sox windbreaker on.

Mind you, the Reds were playing Arizona.

I'm not picking on Boston fans - well, not in this post, anyway - but what possesses anyone to go to a sporting event and wear team gear from a team that's not even participating? If you do this, you are telling the world one of two things:

1) You are so dumb that you have no idea who is playing in the game you are attending;
2) you actually think that "hey, I'm going to a ball game....so I can wear my baseball gear that my uncle got me for Christmas in 2005! I've never worn it before!" - which makes you sound like some blonde from The Hills.

What is wrong with people in the US nowadays?

I heart Spencer!!!

King Cheese is back in my favorite show the Hills and he is better than ever. Every Monday, when I'm beaten down with a case of the Mondays, this man brings a smile to my face at 10:00pm on MTV.

And can some please explain to me the process of elimination on this dance show that MTV has. Bands I thought were eliminated are back with a vengeance. I'm just so confused.

Watching American Idol tonight and the remaining black girl sings Dolly Parton's "I will always love you" or better known at the Bodyguard song by Whitney Houston. First thought that comes to my mind when listening to this song was the drive thru girl that I hock up with back when I was 16. I drove over to her house before my shift began, made out with her for 30 minutes in my Toyota Tercel and then drove her and I to work. And guess who was sitting there waiting for me. Yup, General Zahn. My mom for some reason suspected that I wasn't going straight to work and wanted to know where I went before work. Pretty embarrassing. Really never talked to that girl again. Probably for the best. At 17 she was smoking about a pack a day are reds. Ugh.


And fuck this American Idol bullshit. They are doing covers of Dolly and nobody does 9-5. WTF? You mean I watched the entire thing and didn't get to see my favorite dolly song.

Happy Opening Day!!!

I usually get excited about baseball a month before the season starts, but not this year. Maybe because it is obvious that the A's are rebuilding this year to get ready for the opening of their new stadium in two years. Or maybe its because of the NBA and college basketball. Anyway, Opening Day is here and I'm excited again for baseball. Below are just a few predictions on the season.

AL East: I'm not buying into the Toronto and Rays uprising in this division. Rays will be improved, and Toronto will be a .500 ball club, but they won't compete against the Sox and Yanks. Looking at the Yanks, I'm worried about their starters. Who will be starting again? Wang, Pettitte, Hughes, Kennedy, and Mussina? Even if Hughes and Kennedy pan out, can Pettitte and Mussina make it the entire way? But all they need to do is go 6 innings, then turn it over to their bullpen. And the Sox? Well Beckett and Schilling are injured, but Colon is pitching well which should lessen the impact. With Manny in a contract year I think he will put up crazy numbers, which will keep them afloat. Prediction: Red Sox

AL Central: Still kicking myself for not placing the Tigers under bet. No bullpen, Willis sucks, and Rogers is done. But that offense is very scary. I don't think that they have enough to compete with the Indians or the White Sox. Yes, the White Sox. They need some breaks with their starters, but their offense is solid and their bullpen is good enough to compete for the Central Title. With that being said, I'm still going to go with the Indians. Haffner has to bounce back right? Cabrera is very interesting, and we should continue to see improvements in both Siezmore and Garko. And then there are the Royals. Offense is improving. Starters are improving. But the bullpen is a mess. Good luck. Prediction: Baring any injuries, I'm going with the Indians.

AL West: For the first time in 9 years, I'm not even going to mention the A's as a title contender. What I am looking forward to with the A's though is a solid year from Street and Harden with the expectation that we unload them to the Yanks or Sox near the trading deadline. This is another good young team that should be spoilers during the stretch run. I'm expecting a .500 season, and anything less would be a huge disappointment. So its really down to the Angels and Mariners. With Sling Blade (Lackey) and Escobar injured, and Colon (Shrek) gone, their pitching is really thin. Almost to the point that it gives me some hope for the A's. They also overpaid for Hunter, which now makes them too deep in the outfield. Garrett Anderson, Rivera, Matthews Jr, Vlad, and Hunter all will need time. And one of their best top of the lineup guys Willits, is on the bench. Scioscia is so over-rated and will cost them too many games. This leaves the door open for the Mariners. If they can't win it this year, then I don't know when they will be able to do it. Even with the addition of Bedard their rotation is still shakey. Their offense is dependent on Ibanez and Beltre continued production and a bounce back from Sexton. Looking at all the holes on all the teams, it is very easy to see a four team race, with all teams right around .500. Prediction: Mariners by default.

Wild Card: White Sox. Don't sleep on this team. If they catch a break with Danks and Floyd, they will be a contender with a solid offense and a strong bullpen.

Red Sox over White Sox

Indians over Mariners

Indians over Red Sox for the AL Pennant.

NL East: If the Mets can't pull this thing out this year, then they should fire Randolph and company and start over. With Pedro, Santana, and company they should cruise to a division title. Marlins are terrible. The Nationals are right there as well. But an interesting fact about their old ballpark, RFK. There were only two opposite field homeruns last year for right handers. Isn't that crazy. What a terrible ballpark!! The new one looks really nice and should help them a little. And why was Gammons so amazed that locker rooms had IPod chargers and WiFi? Not a big deal. Calm down. Prediction: Mets

NL Central: This is what we call crap soup. All these teams have larger than normal holes. Picking the Cubs for me is like betting Black in Roulette. Always seems like a great idea but looking back after 6 reds in a row and $800 later, I always say "What the hell was I thinking!!!" So no Cubs. Astros look interesting, but they lack starting pitching depth. Brewers could have 5 guys blow double digit saves with Turnbow, Gagne, Soloman Torres, Riske, and Mota. This is a disaster waiting to happen. Pirates are just sad. So that leaves me with the Cardinals and Reds. Come on, I hate the Cardinals. Cardinals have no starters, but a decent pen. Am I really going to make a prediction based on the fact that I expect big things from Ankiel? Can't do it. So I'm going with the Reds. Look, they have a great 1-2 punch with a solid number 3. They have a solid pen now that they don't have to depend on David Weathers to close out games. They have great defense up the middle since they finally moved Griffey out of center. They win by default. Prediction: Reds

NL West: This is going to be exciting. Dodgers are loaded with young offensive talent and great pitching. Same could be said of the Diamondbacks. But remember that the Diamondbacks were a statistical anomaly last year, and I don't think that they win as many games, despite adding some strong pitching. Padres are always tough, but they just don't have enough to stick with the Dodgers and Diamondbacks. Rockies and San Fran will tail off and won't stay with the top two. Prediction: Dodgers

Wild Card: Braves

Dodgers over Braves

Mets over Reds

Mets over Dodgers for the NL Pennant

Mets over Indians for the Series

Saturday in Vegas: Oh My!

Saturday, 8 am

There is nothing better than an early morning walk in Vegas. (And by early, I mean Vegas early - 8, 9 am , not 5 or 6 where it is still the previous night). I stepped out of the Palazzo heading to the Mirage on a bright sunny day, facing a completely isolated strip - for whatever reason, it cleanses the mind and the body.

After texting everyone to see if they wanted action on the Lady Iowa State Cyclones at 9 am that morning - and only getting 2 takers - I headed to the Mirage to place the wager and met Layup there. An open craps table - well hello! However, it didn't go so well and my losing streak continued, and I was reminded why the dealers at the Mirage are substandard. We felt like we were imposing on them as we gambled at the craps table.

I introduced Layup to the tablue Ultimate Texas Hold em game - I started with 100, and left with....120; Layup started with 200 and left with...about 600. He started betting the sucker bonus bets and hit. Good for him.

Back to the Palazzo and the cabana that we reserved for the day. Got there in time with about 4 minutes left in the Iowa State game. We turned it on and for 10 continuous minutes yelled at the TV, imploring the Cyclones (line: -2.5) to cover. There was plenty of foul language there as we yelled for every foul shot to go in as the Cyclones had a slim lead. Some lady named Alison hit 2 free throws with 10 seconds left to go up 3; Ga Tech did nothing and we were all winners in the first game of the day. I went upstairs to put on my swimsuit, and more importantly, my Iowa State Golf T-shirt in celebration.

Sad note: As we were yelling, the guys in the adjacent cabana came running over.

"What are you watching??" they inquired.

When seeing it was women's basketball, they said "Ohhh... and slithered back. I'm sure we were discussed as the degenerate cabana for the rest of the day.

The next 5-6 hours were spent in the cabana, and that was wonderful. Girlie drinks all around! I had at least 5 Banana Daiquiris (with vodka, I said proudly). My only regrets were that 1) I wish I put more on West Virginia (over Duke), and 2) I wish I started making the ref calls earlier in the day. (But that would mean drinking earlier as well). God, I miss referreeing.

Embarassing moment of the trip #42: We all loved Cal -16 vs. UC-Santa Barbara in the first round, so Wiz, Leland and I had money on that game as well. I left with about 2:00 to go in the game in order to place the next round of men's bets.....well, I got lost in the spa and somehow found myself in the offices of the gym at the Venetian. My phone rings as I am trying to find the stairs.

E: "Hello?"

Wiz: "Final score....Santa Barbara 50...."

E: [half drunk, crouching down waiting breathlessly...]

Wiz: "Cal 67!"

E: [yelling] "It's a cover! Woo hoo!"

At that point, 2 staff members come running out of their offices. "May I help you?"

E: "Um...just trying to find the elevator and get to the main casino!"

Random comment: There is nothing more .... exhiliarating? Pathetic? ....than screaming at the top of your lungs seeing the Marist Lady Red Foxes hit three after three and cover a game for you....while you are naked in the shower.....

Dinner is at 7:30 at the MGM; it is 6:45 and I still have to place a bet over at the Mirage. I tell Don and Mike I will meet them there; Layup calls and berates me because "I can't be late".

Boy, I wish Wiz/Leland put a line on this one. Eric leaving the Palazzo at 6:45, having to place a bet at the Mirage and then head down to the MGM.....over/under on the arrival time?

I get to the Mirage at 6:57..... place the bets (LSU -37.5! It's a LAYUP!)

I leave the Mirage at 7:02......

better pick it up a bit... so I jog for a couple of minutes in my golf shirt and Dockers....

I cross Flamingo at 7:10....ok , time to walk....

I am in front of the Bellagio at 7:14...not good, let's jog.....

I'm across from P.H. around 7:18.....let's jog some more....

In front of the Monte at 7:21......ok, let's cool down.....

Enter the MGM casino from the front at 7:26......can I make it?

Jog through the casino, get to the restaurant (in the farthest place in the back!) at 7:29. Success!

Layup immediately offers everyone a shot of Tequila. Out of breath, I thank him, then ask the waiter for a glass of water IMMEDIATELY!

Wow, what a meal. When the first course is lobster and the second is a perfectly-done scallop, it's a wonderful meal. I can't even remember courses 3 and 4.

We said our goodbyes to Kermit, unsuccessfully trying to convince him to "miss" his flight; Layup and company drove to the MGM, so they drove back; Mike, Don and I decided to take the Monorail.

Bad idea.

After getting on, the monorail stopped at the Flamingo. And never restarted. The announcement on the PA system was not good:

"There has been a malfunction with the train. All passengers should please exit immediately."

Well, then. A maintenance worker walked toward the train: we asked him how long this might take.

"It might be a little while." We all got the hint and started walking.

After a 20-minute delay at the Flamingo since someone disappeared into a restroom - remember, Kermit already left, so Mike and I were stuck watching "Mini-Pai Gow" for 20 minutes as someone took his sweet time, we get back to the Palazzo after about an hour.

Layup was nowhere to be found - as he has said, he had a reaction and had to go to bed. Leland also took a short nap that night. But the five of us gambled the rest of the night.....and there were numerous highlights:

- a winning craps session at a $15 table, interrupted by a phone call; I cashed out after that phone call with a purple chip. Should have gotten a picture of that one.

- a blackjack session with all of us and a great dealer, C.C. I had many questionable hands, such as 6,6 vs a 3; a 9 vs. a 2; soft 18 vs. a 9.........she guided me correctly each time. The reason? "I wrote the card!" she exclaimed proudly.

- Saturday nights at a casino are full of random cheers. Wiz and I started grading them like a golf tournament. A mild holler from the 3-card poker table was a Thursday birdie by Carlos Franco; a bust by a blackjack dealer was compared to a Saturday birdie by Phil....and then there was the hot craps table, whose cheers ended up sounding like a 1986 Nicklaus charge.

We all were doing well at the BJ table, so there was no need for any of us to think about moving.

_

After a while, we got up winners; Don and Mike went to bed and Leland reappeared. So Wiz, Leland, Micah and I were roaming the casino around 3 in the morning.....

and a $25 open craps table was there staring us in the face. Why not?

Wow - that's not for the faint of heart. Every roll was a $100 or so roll. Wiz hit an 8 - and we went into a Tiger/Steve Williams high five routine. Micah actually hit a point (a 5, I believe - Wiz's favorite number!), but that was about it for the highlights. It was a cold table, with a couple of hits here and there, but $500 went down the drain. It may be a while before I jump into that pool again.

At 4:30, I could barely keep my eyes open at the BJ table - even when texting Kermit who arrived safely at his house in Cleveland - and I went to bed. I left Wiz, Leland and Micah alone- what kind of trouble could those three get into by themselves?

Friday: Verne disapproves

Friday, 5 am

Wake up after a good 4 hours of sleep - and head to the golf course with everyone.

The golf course was great; my golfing was horrendous. I have numerous excuses for my play, which included no "4"s on the card, plenty of 6's and 7's, and only one good highlight - a 50-foot bomb for birdie on 9 that was still gaining speed as it hit the hole and dropped. (I then did a Hale Irwin, 1990 US Open impression and ran around the green - but alas, there were no spectators to high five).

Anyway, the excuses:

- Kermit distracted me with his tales of women sending him graphic pictures on his cell phone;

- The double sausage & egg sandwich I had at the turn that sat in my stomach ( but boy,was it good)

Well, I will use the excuse that my body just was not responding to any of my requests - but still, it was bad. 94 bad.

The rest of the day is a blur. I remember watching the San Diego-UConn game in the room, then heading down for some gambling. I was walking around the casino when I found Derek and Wiz at one side of the craps table, and Kermit on the other side.

I quickly saw that Derek and Wiz were betting the don'ts, and Mer was on the pass line. Check that - Mer had, on the table:

- a pass line bet with double odds;

- FIVE separate come bets (so he covered the board) all with double odds.

Derek was rolling, and just hit number after number after number. He and Wiz are pissed, as they are rooting for that 7.

"Kermit? What the hell is going on here?"

"I don't know", he laughed. "At this point, I'm not asking any questions.......", as more money is slid toward Kermit.

Derek and Wiz were in no mood for conversation, so I left. Had lunch (at 4 pm - I guess that's lunch) with Micah, as we were in the food court straining to check the scores on a TV that was a good 50 feet away. Another trip to the 40/40 club borught us to the beginning of the Clemson/Villanova game. I was heavy on Clemson and the over (over 144.5; it went up a half point during the day). Seeing Clemson blow the lead made me wonder if anyone was going to check and see if Wiz was alive.......

The final seconds were terrible. Villanova hit 7-of-8 free throws down the stretch; they hit 2 to make ut 75-69 with 6 seconds left. Clemson comes down, jacks a 3 - he gets knocked down - NO CALL. 75-69, the final, as everyone starts screaming.

75 + 69 = 144, just under the 144.5. Argh.

A long 2 1/2 hour dinner later (where I almost fell asleep twice) and then I had to call it a night. My body could not go on anymore, and I'm sure I looked like Verne in the picture.

This is....

a) a tasty morning drink;

b) a way to wake up in the afternoon when you are on 1 3/4 hours sleep;

c) a great way to enjoy Bailey; or

d) an unlikely grave for a casino die that is thrown off the table.

Of course, the answer is d.

Where do I begin?

Wow - what a trip. I'm just starting to get back to normal after the 4-day Vegas trip in which I had a total of, oh, 21 hours of sleep from Wednesday morning to Monday afternoon. I've slept 9-10 hours on Mon and Tue night and still am nowhere near caught up.

So many stories from this trip, and not all are gambling related! Let's start with the diary for the first couple of days and see where that gets us...

Wednesday, 10 pm
Arrive at the casino, and find Kermit. Mer is already down big and is playing the nickel slots as a rest. Hoo boy, this can't be good. He then convinces me to play 3 card poker. That's the first gambling I do this trip - 3 card poker.
Kermit plays the "Pair Plus" only, I play the normal way (ante and then play). The cars are dealt- 3 at a time - to me first, then to Kermit (on 3rd base), then the dealer.
Well, after about 30 minutes of this, I am up about $100. Not a bad way to start! I get up to leave.
"Where are you going?" Kermit says.
I'm up, and going to quit while I'm ahead....
"You're going to mess with the table. Now the dealer is going to get all my cards...and watch, they'll be good ones."
Sure enough, the first hand after I stand up - Mer has nothing, the dealer has a pair. The secodn hand: nothing for Kermit, the dealer has a straight.

I run away from the table.

I find a few others, including Wiz, about 30 minutes later. Wiz and I are walking around, when we get close to the 3 card poker table. Wiz and Kermit have not met, so I wanted to introduce them.

Before I can get within 40 feet of Kermit, all I can see are flying middle fingers at me.

"Kermit, let me introduce you to..."
"You Mother Fucker! You owe me $600!!!"
"What? How?"
"The dealer just had a straight flush! He's been hot since you stood up! That straight flush was 40-1! That's $600!"
A long pause....
"Um, Kermit, have you met Wiz? He's one of Derek's friends..."
"Fuck you...(talking to me, not Wiz). You still owe me $600....."

Well, this is getting off to a nice start. After a disastrous Pai Gow session and a losing Craps sessions, I go to bed around 2, 2:30 on the couch. I set my alarm for 5:30 so I can run over to the Mirage and place the sports bets before golf....

Thursday, 4:15 am
Well, that didn't work. Here I am, wide awake on 1 3/4 hours of sleep. I run over to the Mirage, and then find that the book doesn't open until about 5:45. I get my wagers in , take a shower, get in the car and play in a fivesome with Mike, Don, Kermit and Jeff M, one of Layup's friends. Oh - and Andre, the caddy.

The golf was good - the caddy was a bit superflous - but we were all tired by the back nine. I found out who my real friends were on the 5th hole, however.....

I had a downhill, left-to-right putt for a par of about 4 feet. Now, the left-to-righters are the hardest to make for a right hander, since it is a natural tendency to either a) guide the putter's path to the hole, causing a push, or to b) lift the head up and push as well. These are the putts that take the longest to feel comfortable with early in the season.

Well, here I am, with my back to everyone, and I ease up on the putt and lift up slightly and the ball grazes the right lip and misses. Damn. Then I hear commotion behind me.

"Oh, we made a bet on this putt. Someone won $5."

And dammit, I can't remember now who bet with me or against me.

We get back from golf - Jeff smoked us all (his swing was impressive), and I took a short nap in the room. I woke up in the second half of the Stanford-Cornell game (you don't tell time in Vegas this weekend by a clock, you use basketball games as a reference) and head downstairs.

Another losing craps session and off I went to the book. Placed bets and then came upstairs, finding an open blackjack table. We all - 6 of us? - sit down. Kermit is 3rd base.

Well, Wiz finds himself with a 4-2 (for a total of 6) against a dealer 6. He promptly doubles. He gets a 2 - for a total of 8. Kermit mumbles something about not being a move "by the book", and of course we all lose the hand.

"You don't double on 6!" Kermit argues.
"Yes you do - the dealer has 6 - you want all the money on the table with a 6 showing!" Wiz replies
"Is that what the card says?" asks Kermit. Wiz looks. "No...."
"No... " Kermit repeats.
Wiz protests anyway - "but you should put all your money out there with a 6 showing!"
"Well then maybe you should write your own card, then!"
"Maybe I will!" Wiz responds.......

The sides were drawn. I think I'm on Kermit's side for this one. The card is drawn up for a reason.......

I watch the basketball games in Jay-Z's sports lounge/nightclub where I am clearly the whitest person there, and then we go to dinner. After some more non-descript gambling, I think, we got to bed around 12:30 or so. I have taken my contacts out and am wearing a Browns t-shirt and mesh shorts. I need to take a dump. I open the bathroom stall door...

"Occupied!" shouts a cheery voice from the can. Of course, it is Kermit.
"Mer, how long?" I ask desperately.
"It's not going to be short....."

I pace around the room for about 5 minutes.

"Kermit?"
"Why don't you go downstairs?"

So that's what Don and I do - in our sleepwear, we plod through the casino to do our nightly business.

Still can't think straight

I can't seem to put a timeline together for the trip. Everything is blurring together. My head is still in the clouds. Below are some of the disappointments and lines from the trip.

Disappointments
5. Not gambling enough with Don and Mike. It seemed like I only rolled with Don once and Mike a couple of times. And we played very little BJ together. Maybe it was their choice since Mike basically told me that I was bad luck at the craps table, and both Don and Mike rolled their eyes when I showed up during one session.
4. Getting an allergic reaction right after one of the best meals of my life. Went to Emerils and sat at the chef's table. One of the best experiences of my extensive eating life. We were seated almost in the kitchen with the head chef and wine guy as our waiters. We didn't order anything as the chef would just make different dishes. It was a five course meal with different wines with each course along with dessert and port. Well I guess I had some lime during the dessert portion since I was knocked out for the rest of the night with a "wedding night" type allergic reaction. Ugh....
3. Pop, Lock, and Drop it not catching on during the trip. BOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
2. Not keeping up with my golf game. Man, I really suck at golf, which basically doesn't make spending $300 on a round that much fun. I live in SoCal for the love of god and can golf all year. Even if I only golfed once to twice a month for the entire year, that would be more than I ever played back in Baltimore when I was at least decent. Now I'm barely breaking 100...if that.
1. Not placing the under bet on the Tigers win total. I couldn't stop thinking about this before the trip and I totally just forgot until now.

Top 5 lines of the weekend
5. Suck a dick
4. Hello Bee
3. In your life have you ever seen such a thing
2a. Fuck the Five!
2b. Come on Nine!
2c. $5 hop on the hard eight!
1. Maybe.....Yes Sir!!!!

First of many...

OK, the first detailed story from Vegas.

Late Friday afternoon Wiz and I bump into each other in the casino and are starting to get a little bored. Lee and Eric are gone upstairs. These two are usually the ones to keep Wiz and I out of trouble.

Bad Idea number 1: Three Card Poker: Wiz watches a little while I get my ass kicked at 3-card poker. This game sucks. Kermit just bets the bonus, drinks, and watches people walk by in the casino. Not a bad game at all to do this with. Getting a little bored, Kermit, Wiz, Micah, and I decide to play some craps.

Bad Idea number 2: $10 Craps-Don't Pass Line: Wiz and I were feeling so bad after getting rocked earlier in the day, that we decided to open up a $10 craps table by just betting the don't pass line. Just imagine four guys, all cheering for a 7. We made sure that nobody else was at the table so we didn't feel that bad. And that is when I caught fire. I couldn't roll a seven to save my life. And then Kermit starts to bet with me on the pass line and the numbers and was making some pretty good money, while the rest of us were losing. Then a guy settles up next to Wiz and drops $1000 into the game and Wiz feels guilty about betting the don't pass, so we all switch over to the pass line, and its gets confusing from there. I ended up leaving in disgust, pissed at Wiz for coming up with the idea, and Kermit for winning.

Bad Idea number 3: Roulette- So I go over to play some roulette. Nothing major, just want to relax and bet some numbers. Wiz comes along and watches. While we are there, red numbers start to hit. I ended up putting $10 on black for one spin, and it comes up red. So I press to $20 the next spin, and it comes up red. Press to $40, red. Press to $80, red. Press to $160, red. At this point, about 13 reds have come up in a row. Wiz is salivating and says that we have to do it one more time. So I decide to press to $320, hold Wiz's hand and wait.......red. I yelled "FUCK" as loud as I could. Not a good thing. Wiz wanted to press again, but at that point, my bankroll was hurting. Then a young little girl comes to the table to put $50 on black. We decide just to put another $100 on black to go with her. Wiz was very clear that we all had to hold hands for good luck. So Wiz grabs her one hand, and I grab her other hand. After about 2 seconds, she drops my hand and I turn to the wheel to see if it hits red again. Wiz, in totally desperation pleads with the girl that she has to hold his hand for good luck. She then tells us that this is her first wager in a casino ever. Wiz goes ballistic. WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU TELL US THIS BEFORE. I WOULD OF UNLOADED IF I KNEW THAT. The dealer waves off the board for no more bets and it lands on black. Finally it hits, but it really doesn't do us much good after $600 earlier.

I pick up in disgust and head up to the room with Wiz. Wiz was livid at the girl for not telling us sooner that she never gambled before. We are so disheveled and a little tipsy that we can't get our key to work for the room. After about 2-3 minutes of trying about 100 times to get into the room, I look up and realize that while we have the room number correct, we are 3 floors off from our room.

And this is the main reason why Wiz and I should never be left alone in the casino. But after Eric's performance on Sunday in the Mirage, I believe he is coming over to the dark side as well.

Just trying to get back to normal...

Ugh. I feel like shit. Not hungover, but just brain dead. It is day two and I still can't think straight. What a wonderful trip. Absolutely amazing. Great room, great people, great dinners, and most of all great gambling memories. Below are just a few to kick things off. I will follow up maybe tonight with more details:

• Opened up a $10 craps table with Wiz, Micah, and Kermit. And we were all playing the don't pass line. The dealers and the pit boss were so confused.


• Wiz and I being left alone unsupervised that cost me $1000. We opened up a $25 craps table and then proceeded to dump money on black at the roulette table. And yes, we lost. There is a great story with the black wager that I will go into more detail later on which involves Wiz and a possible sexual assault case. Just to give you a taste, these words came out of Wiz's mouth to an innocent 21 year old girl playing roulette. "Hold my hand god-dammit"


• Eric and Wiz doing great golf calls for blackjack. Using the terms "Maybe...Yes sir", "In your life", and "What a terrible club selection" was priceless.


• Lee actually rolling extremely well. Made me tons of money at the craps table. He was so hot that he even hit a hard 8 hop bet.


• Eric being nicknamed The Cooler at the craps table.


• Micah being called the The Cooler with everything else.


• Kermit vs. Wiz discussion at the blackjack table. This rivaled my discussion with Lee's brother in law from two years back. Priceless.


• Wiz telling the BJ dealer "be gentle...just the tip" whenever he had a 13-16.


• Hello Bee!!!


• Eric's weird love affair with a 65 year old Texas Hold em dealer.


• The Whale at the Mirage. No not a big gambler, but a 350 pound women that wouldn't leave Eric, Wiz, or I alone.


• Grandma Moses who couldn't deal for shit while Wiz and I played high limit blackjack. It took her at least 3 tries per card to get it to come out. BRUTAL!!!!!


• Its great to see that "Backdoor Action" will never go out of style.


• Eric doing the actual ref calls for a basketball game in front of everyone in the cabana on Saturday.


• The lovely Alison Lacey from the Iowa St Lady Cyclones making clutch free throws at the end of the game to cover the spread by one.


• Still trying to figure out how one losses a wedding ring by himself at a Pai Gow table.